Life is wonderful!!!

"Some people call me a trouble-maker.....Wrong!  I'm a bitch who speaks the truth and won't put up with your shit!"

Hey everyone!  I hope that you are well and happy....I am.  i have to be, I just told someone else to get off the pity-potty, and rejoice in life:


Wish I would have made better choices in life, and wish so much trauma and things that were just out of my control didn't happen. How little mercy, compassion and understanding the world gives- only blame, shame and added guilt. I know in my heart I want to be a good mother and person, how different I wish things were!What the hell, ______! You are a mother?? Sorry, no nice words here, time and life are fa--aaaa---rrrrr to precious to lose. I guess I have to write one of those SNAP-OUT-IT!!!!!!First of all, congratulations!! I can't have any children.....but then
this isn't about me right now....and it's isn't about you either.... it's about your baby!!!! Lucky lucky you!!!! You DO still have choices, like the rest of us, every day, every second.
So....start making some choices, right now....and make sure that they are some damn good ones! Decide right now I am going to make a gratitude list....you can start with the fact that you are still alive in this beautiful world....c'mon, you're artistic.....LOOK around you...there is beauty to discover EVERYWHERE....For starters, you live here, in a free nation...we are not living in the middle of a war zone with bombs going off all around us
I know it sounds like I'm being harsh to you, and the others readers are probably thinking that I am a total bitch, but I don't care.....this type of talk worked on you once before and I'm willing to bet it will again.....I am writing this on the wall because that is where you put it. If you didn't then you'll have to message me or call me, but I'm still going to lay it down like this on the phone. We all have made bad choices in our lifetimes.....mistakes, and you know what???? It's perfectly human and to be expected....though I would not call a baby a mistake.
and I know what I'm talking about, I used to have a huge problem with depression, and not even a great therapist nor medication worked or helped until I made the DECISION to get pro-active with my life and get a handle on it, me, my depression, I had to come to terms that I was and am in fact bi-polar (dare I write this where everyone can see it? Nope, I turned 50 this month and when you turn 50 you don't care what other people think about you! I would almost say that I would trade your baby for my bp, but the bp, once I decided to let it, became something that actually opened doors for me.....yes, I agree with ________, trust in God, or greater power, what ever you want to call him, her or it, but you have to work at life as well. I guess I've said enough, again call me if you want....I love you, God loves you, knowing you, a lot of people love you and care deeply for you.

Here is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend explaining my painting "The Soul Stirrers":

"The Soul Stirrers" started as a portrait of just the woman in the middle. Her boyfriend came to see the portrait, and stayed to keep her entertained...I spotted her at Jany's...impulsively asked her to pose for me. Then her daughter came to see the painting, she was so adorable that I had to stick her in. When I lived in NYC I used to imagine that I heard someone whispering "Wake up", whenever I was in the bouts of depression, so while I painted her daughter I had her saying this softly into her mother's ear. I had Stephanie, the woman in the middle, and her boyfriend holding hands...when Dan Thompson saw the painting, he suggested that their hands almost be touching. Loved that idea so I changed the painting....again. I just let myself tell my story, or part of it, anyway, which is what I enjoy doing most of all.....always hoping that I will reach someone, help someone, perhaps.

Down in Harrisonburg Virginia....my mother got married in January, and they are having the celebration this week-end.
Harrisonburg....where I went to high school and college. Eastern Mennonite High School and College(now it's Eastern Mennonite University). It is always nice to visit here, lots of wonderful people,
However, I usually experience feelings of loss and sadness....people don't remember me, and if they do, I often wish that they did not, I wonder what they remember. I began my struggle with depression here, and feeling like I did not belong did not help alleviate those feelings. It was very hard to make meaningful connections at the college, I certainly did not help matters....I did not want to be there. I had always wanted to go to artschool, but my parents did not offer that as an option, and I was too afraid to venture out into the big bad non-Mennonite world alone. I remember a friend in college asking me why I didn't move to New York, and I could not imagine why anybody would want to do that.
Today I approached a woman at EMU about running a painting workshop, someone in the art department of course, and I did not get the feeling that she cared too much about who I was, or any workshop that I might have to offer. It just brought back all that stuff, and I didn't leave feeling any warm fuzzies...

She did show (or feign, perhaps?) some mild interest when I gave her my business card with this image of a painting that I had done, the one shown above.

Well, that's it for now....sorry if this sounds a little dreary.....my husband(Karl Staven) thinks that I should make films, that I have stories to tell....but I can't see my way around that without starting here.